Confession: I am very good at thinking negatively. I know. What a talent. But it’s true. When Javier is more than 10 minutes late getting home from soccer I’m all but convinced that he is lying in a ditch somewhere. It’s not just that I worry, but that I have a knack for feeling certain that all that can go wrong, will. Which is funny, cause (I think, at least) if you asked my friends, they’d say I’m generally a pretty positive person. I like to have a good time when we’re together and (let’s face it) I’m often the loud, boisterous one standing in the circle mid-story. I certainly don’t have the stereotypical demeanor of a Debbie Downer.
One of the questionnaires at Pre-Cana had Javier and I assess our temperaments. We had to respond to several statements with ‘Always’ ‘Most of the Time’ ‘Some of the Time’ ‘Rarely’ or ‘Never.’ Two of the statements were:
1) I am optimistic.
2) I am pessimistic.
Javier answered the first with ‘Always’ (shocker) and the second with ‘Rarely’ (at least I think…hey, that was a few weeks ago).
I answered the same for both: ‘Some of the Time.’ And I think it’s true, it depends when you catch me and what I’m thinking about. Unfortunately, my pessimism has a tendency to spread. And quickly. Particularly when it wonders to the wedding portion of my brain (which may be growing to a size that will over take some of those 1990s lyrics I still have stored up there, just in case of an impromptu middle school reunion - bummer). It starts with a worry about table assignments and drifts to the programs I’ve been meaning to start. Then it meanders over to Javier’s vest that came in, but that we’re not sure we like. By the time it hits the Thank you notes I still haven’t written and the bridal party gifts we’ve yet to choose, I’m down pretty far. Then it starts to rain. On my wedding day that is, and I’m in a hole that’s hard to hop out of.
I’m trying to be better at pulling myself out of the hole. The truth is I have so many ridiculously wonderful things to be happy about, I think its almost hard for anyone (especially Javier) to understand why I’m down about anything. Because of this, I think its sometimes hard for him to help me up from my down. But I don’t want to be down. We are going to have the most amazing wedding in October! And there is plenty of good to outweigh the dread I get when I remember we still haven’t confirmed with the band how we’ll play music during their breaks: Javier and I are starting to be bombarded with exciting and thoughtful wedding gifts J I had my first dress fitting last week so it is on its way to ‘ready to be worn!’ Part of my BM gifts came in yesterday and I LOVE them. Mom found the perfect container for our Kolache favors (and has started making official ‘wedding’ batches). I had the best bachelorette party on Saturday (that deserves its own post). It was the most thoughtful and enjoyable time – and proves I have the most amazing bridesmaids and friends in the entire world. And last night, Javier and I got to check on a special project that my Uncle Jim has generously volunteered to undertake (another fun post to come - sneak peak below)!
People who have lead themselves down the spiral will know. You understand the gravity that comes with these quick and negative connections you make when you’re feeling down. If you don’t know…you don’t know. You’ve probably never felt this way and don’t understand it at all. You may even think I’m crazy. But whether you get it or understand doesn’t really matter. I think its more important that I’m understanding how I feel and learning what I can do about how I feel more and more. I’m thinking a lot on my runs and they’ve provided a lot of clarity for different wedding tribulations. They’re helping me reflect and have been equally (if not more) beneficial to my mental healthy as my physical. I’m continuing to understand who I am and how that will affect my relationship and marriage with Javier. While I’m being honest, it’s probably and particularly that I’m stubborn. Which means: I’m not to ready to get over my down until I’m ready. You know? And no matter what Javier or any other positive person says or does, I have to do my part too. I have to be ready. So here’s to my part. To growing. To hopping out of the hole. To the wedding J and to our marriage. There is lots of good stuff (and posts) to come J
Wow, signs look AWESOME! Go Uncle Jim!
ReplyDeleteBut more importantly...I was just going through my month-out emails looking for our Do Not Play list to send you...and I basically open every email with, "Hey, so I'm kind of crazy and freaking out, but..."....and I swear I don't remember feeling like that at all. So, maybe this is just an inevitable phase of the wedding planning process and all the "down" times will eventually just blend in to the good. We'll make sure you get there!